I empathize with (and deeply admire) your struggle, especially since you're further along in life (as I am). Silly me, I'm trying to make a novel contribution without a PhD (which is almost certainly a necessity). It feels like a struggle, yet undoubtedly far from the scale of yours. As we might say in some parts of my country, ambition is a bitch. On the other hand, we're often told to follow our dreams (by people who have achieved theirs). At least doing so seems to comfort the soul. Thank you for sharing your journey! I'm rooting for you.